Steve Nash on self-help as a source of meeting life's challenges

An interview with Steve Nash

Steve Nash is the creator of the www.selfhelpcollective.com a website in which "ordinary" people share their experiences of dealing with their lives. Rather than relying on the advice of experts and gurus, visitors are encouraged to trust their wisdom to come up with their own answers. This is what he means by self-help.

Dr. Fred Steve, your website is unique in that you've created a community in which people of all ages help one another in the issues they're dealing with. There are no experts offering advice. What had you create this model?

Thank you, Fred, for visiting my site and for understanding what I was trying to achieve. Thanks also for allowing me to share my thoughts about SelfHelpColletive.com with readers of your website (though you do ask tough questions!).

So to answer your first question, and here's the funny thing, I never started out to intentionally create a guru-free self help website (as I like to think of it); I never intended to create a self-help site at all! The original aim was only to create a new website using a software service known as Site Build It! (SBI!) about a (yet unknown) passion of mine.

And it was only during the initial phase of creating this site - where you combine 'market research' with a long hard look at what your passions really are - that I decided that I wanted to create a self-help website that didn't preach! And the best way to avoid preaching was, for me, to encourage everyone to contribute. After all, and as it says on my site, "We all know more than we think!"

So there "are" expert views reflected on the site, as well as the views of more ordinary people, but there is no single expert or guru - "all" views are welcome!

Dr. Fred Who are the people who typically make up your community?

You know, I'm not too sure about that right now. I think about 50% of visitors come from USA and Canada, but visitors from all over the world find their way to SelfHelpCollective.com (whilst I am British). And I have been contacted by both teenagers and people long since retired, by men and women. I guess, in truth, it doesn't matter what age you are - life always has a way to uniquely challenge you.

Dr. Fred You say on your site, "I believe that YOU are your own self-help guru!" So, what do you mean by self-help? Does it mean solving problems without the help of outside resources, like other people, books, seminars, coaches and websites, for example?

Simply speaking, I believe that you should look for "help" that allows you to then find your own answers. So that initial help could be via other people, or reading books, or by going to seminars or visiting relevant self-help websites. But the important thing is not to become dependent on being told what to do, but to instead learn to depend on your own wisdom.

So the self-help resources you mention provide us with an initial momentum - a kind of gentle push to steer us back in the right direction! But they should not be the main fuel of our learning - taking action using our own inner resources should!

As it happens my preferred way of learning so far has been via self help books. And the self-help books I've most enjoyed have all managed to surprise me and challenge me and jolt me back on track! And now, the more books I read the more I understand that my life is about my thoughts, my beliefs *and* MY ACTIONS. Action being the operative word!

So I've come to believe that self-help should be self-empowering to the extent that you no longer have a need for that self-help.

I think the thirst for self-help information is quite often just that: a thirst, with no desire to quench that thirst!

And I believe that following a "guru" can be a mistake as it means you may end up using the answers that work well for the "guru" but may not work well for you! So, be your own Buddha so to speak. In fact, this quotation by the Buddha sums it up quite nicely: "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

Dr. Fred How would you distinguish self-help, personal development and self-improvement? In your view, which of these has the most relevance for Third Agers, those between 45-75?

To be honest I'm a little confused at these terms right now - they seem somewhat interchangeable. Having said that, the term I most like, and consider to be the most relevant to Third Agers, is that of "personal development."

I like the idea of developing, or growing, as it seems a more positive way to look at managing life, managing change. Whereas self-help and self-improvement imply a more negative "lack." And I don't think there is a lack; there is just an opportunity to embrace change.

Dr. Fred Your site is oriented around these topics - assertiveness, communication skills, happiness, positive attitude and self-confidence. Why these topics?

Well, again if I'm honest, I guess these are subjects close to my own heart. I guess these are topics that I feel I need help with the most. But I know, through the extensive market research I did whilst conceiving the site in the first place, that these topics are very much sought after by the majority of those interested in "self help."

And the fact that my site is guru-free - i.e. I state that I am NOT a self-help expert - allows me to be more honest about what I currently know in my life and what I don't know; it allows me to learn at the same time.

This Latin proverb sums it up, nicely: "By learning you will teach; by teaching you will understand."

Dr. Fred How does your site address the needs of midagers and beyond who typically are dealing with issues like aging, retirement, livelihood, learning, leisure, meaning, happiness and giving back to society?

This is a great question, Fred! How, indeed!

Firstly, I never had an age group in mind when I conceived of the site. And my experience of Mid Agers is that some have learned the lessons of life well, whilst others seem perpetually stuck in the Teenage Years! (Forgive me.) What I mean by this is that everyone can be helped AND everyone can help, including Mid Agers.

Now, I've given your question a little bit of thought, though, I think Mid Agers can play a vital role in sharing this "you are your own guru" message with the rest of us.

Mid Agers have perspective. They've been young and foolish. They understand the challenges of career, of parenting of succeeding (or not) in long-term relationships. They hopefully realise that life is just a cycle, and that whilst everything changes, nothing changes too!

So I would look to Mid Agers to take up the baton, now, that was hopefully passed to them by their parents or elders, and to give back to society by getting involved in it wherever they can. I would look to them to encourage those in that society, especially the youngest, to cultivate and then rely on their own innate wisdom! The key word for me, though, is "encourage."

Such involvement would answer the question of learning, leisure and meaning, I think.

And happiness is a puzzle that is never meant to be solved; it is just meant to be experienced.

As for issues like aging, retirement and livelihood - these feel like the final questions that life has in store for all of us, and proof that life will always be a challenge. So I think that it's great that Mid Agers face these new challenges as it will allow them, hopefully, to be more empathetic with other generations facing their own "new challenges."

This is a great question, Fred! Sometimes, though, there are no great answers! I tried!

Seriously, I think the main message behind my site is that we are much more capable than we believe, if only we trust in ourselves more. And I would like to think that Mid Agers are more aware of this truth than other generations not as mature and life-seasoned; so I'd like to think they'd be happy to share this wisdom the best way they know how!

Dr. Fred I like the light touch and participatory nature of your site. You have a "Tell us Your Story" feature. What stories do you get from midagers and beyond related to their issues and/or your site's topics which do have relevance for this age group?

Thanks for your kind words, Fred. I also like the participatory nature of the site, and have actually been a little disappointed at how few contributions I've received this year, from all age groups. So my answer to this question is probably ask me again in a year or so when there's been more contributions from Mid Agers.

There have been a few contributions from those that are obviously Mid Agers - mostly these stories are about self-belief, about having a "can do" attitude. But I did get one story about a woman who was recently widowed and how she used her loss to make a positive difference. In her words, "The death of my husband fired in me the desire to try and help people find life a little more bearable."

Dr. Fred What do you most enjoy about developing this site?

This is also a great question! The thing is I've been developing and designing my own websites since 1998. And the websites have been on all sorts of subjects: digital cameras, mobile phones, website promotion. But with the exception of the very first website I created (an account of my two-year work as a VSO volunteer in Malawi, Africa - VSO is like Peace Corps, by the way), I have never enjoyed creating a website as much as when I created SelfHelpCollective.com.

Why? Well, primarily, I learned so much about myself - my strengths and my weaknesses - by doing the research for the site, and then by commenting on the articles, tips and contributions from so many others. But I particularly enjoyed the experience of writing about happiness (it made me smiley and happy) and the more serious subject of fear (it was great to notice my own fear, and not be frightened to acknowledge it).

In truth, I feel partly healed (and blessed) by developing the SelfHelpCollective.com website - it's allowed me to take a closer look at myself in a positive way.

And now that thousands benefit from visiting the site each and every month I really do believe - as you probably do with your own Happiness-After-Midlife.com website, Fred - that it's great to give!

Dr. Fred What new projects are you working on?

I have no specific plans as yet, other than to continue to grow the 'collective' at SelfHelpCollective.com.

I am actually making "space" in 2010 to do something "new," but I have no idea what that will be yet.

And I'm definitely going to be following some of the advice on SelfHelpCollective.com - I want to really follow through with one or two particular articles, to take action, and to change some of my habitual behaviour that hasn't helped me over the years.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Dr. Frank on self help