"Responsible people know that happiness is actually a choice they make every second of their life."

An interview with Ronit Baras

Ronit Baras has done many things under many hats and titles. She is a partner to her husband, Gal, a life coach himself, and a mother to three wonderful children. She teaches kids with learning difficulties, gifted children, and university students as well as language, math and emotional intelligence courses. She's a journalist, an author of Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers, a public speaker, a workshop facilitator, and a community worker, helping to connect people - an impressive list of hats indeed. With every cell of her body, she is a happy and proud educator.

Dr. Frank You have more than 20 years experience working as a life coach. You have worked with people with a wide range of ages, abilities, occupations, professions, and cultural backgrounds. In what ways, if any, is working with older individuals different from working with younger people?

Older individuals can be more frustrated and carry more failure experiences than young people. I remember the first years of my work with learning difficulties. I always said that working with a 4 or 5-year-old is easy, because I can focus on the difficulty, but the older the person is, the more energy I have to dedicate to the emotional baggage. The baggage gets heavier as people grow.

On the other hand, older people have maturity they have earned through joy and sadness. It is something you can't learn at school. Their goals are more to find peace, wisdom, balance and love and they usually know exactly what they want, whereas younger people are more confused about their goals.

Dr. Frank On your website, www.behappyinlife.com, you talk about the "free flow" approach to the delivery of life coaching which has to do with addressing specific challenges. In dealing with Third Agers (those between 45 and 75), what particular challenges have you dealt with?

I think that in "free flow" coaching, clients may be tempted to drift into "story telling" and complaining about their situation, rather than finding solutions and molding a great future. Coaching is not counseling and I make sure my clients understand it before we start. We need to keep moving forward and our stories hold us where we are. Therefore, my clients have one minute to tell a story. I do not want them to hear themselves telling me the sad stories of their life.

I am a bit more flexible with good and happy stories :) Third Agers like to tell stories. The older the client, the more the story is engraved in his or her identity. When the program is structured, it is easier to stay focused.

Dr. Frank A second approach you use in your life coaching is the "structured program." Can you give some specific examples how this would work with midlifers and beyond? Can you share some of your best experiences with this approach?

Gal and I wrote a structured program of 10 sessions that helps people take control over their life. We have a workbook with explanations, diagrams, examples, activities, poems, home assignments, as well as a summary and a reflection/feedback page for each session.

My clients go through a process of developing their awareness, motivation and control over their life and as hard as I try, I cannot rush this process. If you want to get to 10, you must go through 7, and you can't understand 5 before you fully grasp 3.Unlike "free flow", which is fully conversational, the structured program is also written and that is very important to many. We find it useful for all ages because clients can take their coaching workbook with them and keep moving until we meet again.

The best thing about this approach is that clients can use the program years after they have finished. I stay in contact with all my clients by mail or phone and some of them call years later with another problem and I can tell them to go through their folder and focus on specific sessions and it works, it always works. I can help them this way without them coming again.Some of them keep coming because it is something they enjoy. I sometimes say, "That's it, you can't come anymore. You need to spend time enjoying your achievements on your own." I am the queen of homework. If my clients want, I can give them homework that will keep them busy for a year.

Another advantage to the structured written program is that my clients use it to coach others around them. Some of the assignments in the workbook are to coach or assess someone else. When they coach others, they understand things much better. I believe the structure gives them confidence and makes them trust the process more too.

Dr. Frank The approach we take in our work debunks the myth of midlife crisis and views midlife as a transition. In dealing with older clients what is your view on this subject?

I believe that confusion is the sign of growth. If we feel uncomfortable about something, we have the best potential for development and change. I think we feel confusion in transition times and we have transitions every time we change a teacher in school, change jobs, change homes, get married or have a baby. There is no magic in midlife. It is just another transition. I personally believe that in our society, the labels of "midlife crisis," "troubled teens," "senile elders" and so on are myths that people use as excuses for things that are a bit hard to deal with.

I tell all my clients that my teen kids are the most wonderful teens in the world. My midlife was (still is) one of the most wonderful periods of my life and my dad, who is 76 years old, is a very active, healthy and curious person. Every time people tell me "Well, Ronit, your kids are not a good example" or "Your dad is not a good example", I say, "They should be! Everyone should learn from these examples too".

Dr. Frank You also do relationship coaching. What are the issues facing midagers in balancing physical, mental and spiritual well being as well as social, family and work needs?

I think people reach a point in life when they are sick and tired of compromising. Literally "sick and tired". I congratulate them for reaching this point in life.

Many people reach this point in middle of life. When people call it the "midlife crisis," but I smile and wish all people in the world this type of crisis, because it holds the key to a happier life.

If you compromise, you can't be happy. If you seek balance, your own personal balance, you will find it. "Seek and ye shall find." I believe in it with all my heart. My book, In the outback with Jasmine Banks, talks about this "crisis" and about the search for happiness where Katherine Johnson, an older woman, teaches Jasmine Banks about that search.

Whereas the earlier years of adult life are more of a chase, when people cross over and find the balance between all aspects of life: physical, mental, spiritual, social and financial, they find confidence and peace. Do you know how much happiness there is in a peaceful state of mind?

Dr. Frank In your article, "Happiness is a choice," you share a touching story about "Two Wolves," one who is evil and the other who is good, to illustrate the importance of taking full responsibility for our happiness. Based on your experience, what are the key elements for the development of happiness for midagers?

I think it is the same in all ages. We live in a highly stressed society and when people are in stress, they react in one of three ways: they blame someone else, they justify themselves (blame the universe, circumstances or the way they are) or they take responsibility over their life.

Responsibility can be for actions and feelings. If we can change our situation, let's take action. If not, let's change how we feel about it. Responsible people know that happiness is actually a choice they make every second of their life.

The keys are:

o You are the only captain of your ship. Take control!

o You are not the captain of anybody else's ship. Let go!

o Pick a destination for your life's journey. Seneca said, "With no port in mind, no wind is favorable". Always have a purpose and set goals.

o In the sea of life, every destination, even if it seems horrible, holds a treasure. Always look for the treasure. If it's not a good outcome, it's some kind of learning.

o Older ships carry wisdom that aid smooth sailing. Embrace your wrinkles as the price for your wisdom!Enjoy the ride. Fun is the essence of life.

Dr. Frank What new projects are you working on?

Wow, I have lots of projects now and I am very excited about them. My second book, In the Outback with Jasmine Banks, is now in print and will be in stores in February. It's a story of personal liberation.

My third book, Reflections, is now in editing and hopefully will be published next year too. It's a story in which an old man mentors a young woman through some very deep understandings of the meaning of life.

I have recently launched a new website, called The Motivational Speaker through which I offer workshops and presentations for organizations all around the world. I am in the process of adding all my presentations and workshops to that site.

My parenting blog, Family Matters, is an ongoing project I dedicate much of my time to. I already have over 550 posts on it and I am very happy and proud of this project.

For about a year now, I have been the Queensland state coordinator of the Together for Humanity Foundation, which works on cultural acceptance. This work makes me very happy, because I make a difference in peoples' attitude towards others who come from a different background. With my coaching service I help people establish good relationship with their inner self and through my work for Together for Humanity, I help people establish good relationship with others. I love it.

Dr. Frank on an educators's view of being happy