Midlife Crisis Coping Blog

Sep 7, The Great Cosmic Jokes

Tue, 07 Sep 2010 01:26:05 GMT

A number of years ago, a friend of mine was introduced to the teachings of Ramana Maharshi, an Indian sage who became enlightened at 16 through a profound experience in which his concept of death was shattered.
My friend suggested I read a number of books that dealt with non-dualism - subject and object are one, which was the core message of Ramana Maharshi.
From Onions to Pearls by Satyam Nadeen was one of those books that opened my eyes to a different way of relating to my life. Part of his writings are influenced by Taoism, which I speak about on our website.
He has a section of his book that he labels The Great Cosmic Jokes, which Ive found freeing. Here are a few of them...
       You think you have to get enlightened.
You already are.
      You think you have to follow a path to get there.
There are no paths.
      You think you have to change yourself and the world
      to make it a better place.
There is nothing to do.
      You think you can find God in India or Tibet.
There is nowhere to go. Consciousness is the same everywhere.
      You think the outcome of your personal story matters.
It is all the same, regardless of how it turns out.
      You think your story is real.
It is an illusion, a dream.
      You think you are in control of your life.
You are but a puppet of Source.
      You think you have free will and make choices.
There is only destiny in its lawful unfolding.
      You want to be somebody important and appreciated.
Just be.
      You fear death as the most tragic event of your life.
Death is the end of limitation.
- Dr. Fred

Sep 6, Spirituality in the workplace

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 03:14:17 GMT

One of the core issues of Dr. Fred and myself is midlife career change and transition to "second careers." On this note, we share the same thinking as Janet Cranford, a career change and life transition coach. She assists midlifers in: - transforming interests or hobbies into a new career - finding more flexibility at work - starting a business for the autonomy and freedom it offers - working for a company that shares your values and ethics. Cranford refers to a recent trend towards workplace spirituality. Wikipedia describes workplace spirituality as a movement that began in the early 1990s, emerging as a grassroots movement with individuals seeking to live their faith and/or spiritual values in the workplace. The Graziadio Business Report identifies the following six characteristics of the ideal spiritual workplace: 1. It emphasizes sustainablity - we realize that we have limited resources. 2. It values contribution - we are responsible for contributing to the betterment of the world. 3. It prizes creativity - we recognize the importance of nourishing each person's creativity. 4. It cultivates inclusion - we value the contribution of all individuals, no matter their colour, race, creed, sexual orientation or physical condition. 5. It develops principles - we understand the benefits of encouraging personal growth and character development. 6. It promotes vocation - we promote spiritual growth and fullfilment as part of one's work. If you have experienced some form of spirituality in the workplace, we'd love to hear from you. - Dr. Frank

Sep 5, Welcome Your Terrible Gift

Sun, 05 Sep 2010 06:18:31 GMT

One of my latest reads is Help For Midlife Crisis by David Aspenson, Ph.D. As a therapist he saw that what his clients brought to his practice was not something (terrible) to be diagnosed, fixed and discarded, but was worth listening to, received, blessed and honored as a true gift.
A crisis is here to help you find your own unique path in this life, to the life that is only yours to live; to seriously open you to new dimensions of happiness, peace of mind, and sense of purpose.
During times of crisis, something in us is wanting to be expressed. Rather than pushing unwanted feelings and thoughts down, its important to be patient and listen for what wants to emerge.
This poem by Rumi says it best...
The Guest House
This being human is a guesthouse
Every day a new arrival.
A joy, depression, meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture still, treat each guest honorably.
She may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them all at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
Because each has been sent
As a guide from beyond.
- Dr. Fred

Sep 4, Entrepreneurial success

Sat, 04 Sep 2010 12:59:27 GMT

In The 4 Routes to Entrepreneurial Success (1996 paperback edition), John B. Miner identifies four different kinds of entrepreneurs. They are 1) the personal achiever, 2) the supersalesperson, 3) the real manager, and 4) the expert idea generator. I myself identify with the personal achiever. I see in myself most of the characteristics that Miner uses to describe this type of entrepreneur: - Needing to achieve - Desiring feedback - Desiring to plan and set goals - Having strong personal initiative - Believing I can make a difference - Believing I, rather than others, should set my goals. What does it take to be a successful entrepreneur? According to Jay Goltz, owner of five businesses, here some of the lessons he`s learned in being successful: - See opportunities to do things better than others. - Learn to live with risk because so many others won`t. - Have goals, a plan, and an implementation strategies. - Learn from your mistakes and move forward. - Learn from others. - Work hard, follow your passion, be sure the numbers work. - Accept that nothing is easy, be resilient and don`t complain. - Make sacrifices and don`t become a "financially successful loser." I would like to add two lessons I've learned in being successful. You have to work with the best people, with whom you have a great working relationship. You have to persevere. - Dr. Frank

Sep 3, Silent awareness

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 02:33:23 GMT

One of the background existential questions that for the most part we dont address, is Who am I? It may become louder as we come into midlife, where we have an opportunity to live life on our own terms instead of what others dictate. All spiritual traditions say the source of happiness is coming to discover that who we are is consciousness or awareness.
A practice to get to who you are
Ive done the following practice in a number of different ways. This one comes from Raphael Cushnirs book, Setting Your Heart on Fire.
- Write the phrase, I am and complete it with whatever comes to mind. Do this over and over, a dozen to twenty times. For example, I am a (gender); I am a (nationality); I am a (religion); I am (description of your roles and responsibilities): I am (descriptions of your personality).
- Once your list is done, read your answers out loud. After each one, take a long pause. Notice the feelings and thoughts that come up with each identification.
- Read the list out loud again, and this time insert the word not into each sentence. Imagine these renunciations are true. You are peeling off your everyday identifications. How does it feel to you? Can you experience the part of you that exists beyond every item on your lists?
- If so, youre present to the silent awareness, to the formlessness through which all things are connected, that were all one.
- If you havent been able to access the formlessness, on a new sheet of paper, in large letters, write only the words, I am. Repeat the words out loud and let them resonate within you. Most likely, this resonance will be fleeting. It takes ongoing practice to be in the silent awareness.
Check out this video by a highly respected spiritual teacher, Gangaji...

- Dr. Fred

Sep 2, Midlife depression, midlife happiness, and positive aging

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 10:06:54 GMT

I was struck by a recent article by Douglas LaBier, Director of the Center for Progressive Development, entitled "Our So-called 'Midlife' - Why Happiness and Depression both Appear to Increase." Here are a few of the main points he makes in the article: - We should re-examine the term "midlife." With people living longer and healthier lives on the one hand, but lives that have more stress and strain, LaBier says that midlife now begins in the mid-30s and carries on to the mid-80s. - According to recent research, midlife has the potential for both depression and suicide as well as increased happiness. - In midlife, people are grappling with such core questions as, "What am I living for?" and "What is the purpose of my life?" Many mid lifers feel trapped within their past choices and/or materialistic lifestyles. For some, this could push them towards redirecting their lives in more fulfilling ways. For others, it could lead to a downward spiral of despair and resignation. - Labier offers this view of positive aging: "I suggest thinking of so-called midlife as a positive transition zone into full adulthood. A period for creative solutions and better trade-offs regarding your current commitments - mortgages, tuitions, salaries, expenditures working relationships. And a time for restructuring your choices, values and goals; making them support an integrated, healthy and authentic life, through which you can continue to grow and develop in all realms of your life." Dr. Fred and I are very much aligned with this thinking in our own work on this website. You might want to check out LaBier's book entitled Modern Madness: The hidden link between work and emotional conflict. I like this quote of George Bernard Shaw from the first chapter of the book: "There are two sources of unhappiness in life. One is not getting what you want; the other is getting it." - Dr. Frank

Sep 1, Midlife transition and basic sanity

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 02:53:56 GMT

Most of us are familiar with this hackneyed quote...
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. - Albert Einstein
Every morning, I phone my mother (90) to say hello and find out how shes doing. Shes had a chronic painful back since her 20s and shes done nothing about it. Now, its become worse.
Rather than taking some pain medication and/or seeing a doctor, she tells me that the pain will go away on its own, yet pretty much every day she suffers. Thats what I have labelled as insanity. I was judging her on being real stupid and stubborn on not doing anything about her condition.
Then I thought to myself, well there are areas in my life, where I have my version of insanity, so Ive become more compassionate for my mother.
The Buddhists have a notion of basic sanity that all of us are sane in a fundamental sense, but that we are not always in touch with that sanity. Sometimes only when we relax can we access it. This model defines sanity as "brilliant" and is characterised by the capacity to be open to all aspects of our life experiences. It is recognised by moments of 'clarity,' which is the recognition of the interconnectedness and ever-changing 'nature' of every aspect of what comes and goes in our minds, our emotions, our thoughts, our sensations and our actions that result from such internal computations. - Wikipedia
This is very relevant to midlife change and transition in which sometimes it feels like were dislocated like the rug has been pulled out from under our feet. Through practicing mindfulness, we come to create space for whatever is bothering us and come to access basic sanity.
- Dr. Fred

Aug 31, A success story of midlife career change

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 09:22:58 GMT

Yesterday, Dr. Fred and I had the pleasure of interviewing Shaun Fawcett, a true business success story. He is a Canadian-based writer, business consultant, journalist, and publisher. He is also founder of Writinghelp-central.com, one of the most popular web sites for helping people with their writing problems. After putting in 25 years as a civil servant with the Federal government, Shaun decided he didn't want a job anymore. It was time to go into business for himself. In 2001, he came across an article by Ken Evoy, founder of Site Build It!, and discovered that it was possible to run a successful money-making online business. He purchased the product and set up his website, the first of many. Ten years later, his main website, Writinghelp-central.com - what he calls his "Mother Ship" - attracts five to six million visitors a year. Very impressive indeed! If you're interested in creating your own home-based business, Shaun highly recommends SBI. And so do Dr. Fred and I. It's a complete turn-key package. Look for our exclusive interview with Shaun Fawcett appearing on our website on September 29, 2010. - Dr. Frank

Aug 30, Life is like a pinball machine

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 01:50:09 GMT

A number of years ago, I heard a personal development facilitator say that life was like a pinball machine. The ball is launched with great gusto and as it comes back down the ramp, it bangs into bumpers. The players job is to keep the ball from going into the hole at the bottom - ultimately, without success. We all know where the ball ends up.
When I was an undergraduate many years ago, a friend would remind me, Fred, dont take life so seriously - youll never get out of it alive. That used to really bug me until as I got older, I realized how wise he was in saying that.
In life, stuff happens. When we get serious about something, it means were adding significance to the whats so- a real good way to suffer.
Shakespeare wrote on this in Macbeth:
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
And I like this story taken from the book, The Art of Possibility by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander...
Rule Number 6
Two prime ministers are sitting in a room discussing affairs of state. Suddenly a man bursts in, apoplectic with fury, shouting and stamping and banging his fist on the desk. The resident prime minister admonishes him: Peter, he says, kindly remember Rule Number 6, whereupon Peter is instantly restored to complete calm, apologizes, and withdraws. The politicians return to their conversation, only to be interrupted yet again twenty minutes later by an hysterical woman gesticulating wildly, her hair flying. Again the intruder is greeted with the words: Marie, please remember Rule Number 6. Complete calm descends once more, and she too withdraws with a bow and an apology. When the scene is repeated for a third time, the visiting prime minister addresses his colleague: My dear friend, Ive seen many things in my life, but never anything as remarkable as this. Would you be willing to share with me the secret of Rule Number 6? Very simple, replies the resident prime minister. Rule Number 6 is Dont take yourself so goddamn seriously.Ah, says his visitor, that is a fine rule. After a moment of pondering, he inquires, And what, may I ask, are the other rules?
There arent any.
The next time you find yourself being heavy and significant, ask yourself what story youre adding to the situation.
- Dr. Fred

Aug 29, Can procrastination make you happy?

Sun, 29 Aug 2010 04:47:22 GMT

I am fascinated by the topic of time management and efficiency, as well as the issue of procrastination. I do not often procrastinate; but I keep on putting off a report I have to do for my college, which does not sit well with me. Yesterday, as I was skimming the careers and employment section of my local newspaper, I came across an article on procrastination. I skimmed the article and saw reference to a new book by Canadian psychologist Tim Pychyl called The Procrastinator's Digest. I looked up Tim's work published in the online version of Psychology Today and found an article he wrote on the connection between procrastination and happiness, one of the core concerns of this website. In the article, Tim rebuts an assertion, put forward by Jessica Pryce-Jones, author of Happiness at Work, that procrastination can make us happy. Pryce-Jones argues that not all procrastination is bad for everyone. She also says that some people need to build procrastination into their day in order to psych themselves to get stuff done. Not so! Tim takes her to task on two points. First, he says that the idea of "the active procrastinator" is a common myth. There is no empirical proof that people who work under pressure produce better ideas or are more efficient. Second, research shows that "procrastination predicted poor performance overall and lower levels of well-being. Certainly procrastination is not a route to happiness. Our own research shows that procrastination even undermines health." Tim contends that pursuing our goals contributes to happiness. Furthermore, he points out a distinction between delaying and procrastinating. It is okay to delay things from time to time in the pursuit of our goals. But procrastination does not pay off. If you're a hard-core procrastinator, you might want to check out Tim's book. It presents strategies that may help you facilitate change in your life, another core concern of this website. - Dr. Frank

Aug 28, The easy rule of life

Sat, 28 Aug 2010 01:58:45 GMT

In his book, The Joy of Not Working, Ernie Zelinski, writes on something he calls, the easy rule of life.
The concept looks like this...
DO: THE EASY AND COMFORTABLE----->LIFE ENDS UP BEING DIFFICULT
DO: THE DIFFICULT AND UNCOMFORTABLE----->LIFE ENDS UP BEING EASY
What hes addressing here is the issue of boredom...most of us minimize the risks we take in life for the sake of comfort, so in the long run we rob ourselves of aliveness and fulfillment.
Ernie states it like this...
The biggest obstacle to success (fulfillment) is the discomfort in doing the necessary things we must do to attain success. As human beings we gravitate toward less pain and more pleasure. Choosing the easy way ensures that we wind up in a rut. And the only difference between a rut and a grave is the dimensions. In the rut you get to join the living dead, and in the grave you get to join the dead dead.
According to William Sadler, author of the book, The Third Age: 6 Principles For Growth and Renewal After Forty, one of his key paradoxical principles is balancing mindful reflection and risk taking. Much of what I share in these posts is the importance of being mindful and living consciously - waking up. A full life also requires risk-taking.
This morning I received an email message from a friend letting me know that her father had died. In another message from my cousin, he shared with me how courageous his older brother is in dealing with the cancer hes been dealing with for the last two years.
Death and loss are very good reminders of how tenuous life is and to wake up and live fully.
This poem gets to the gist of what Im sharing...
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your dreams before a crowd is to risk ridicule.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure
But to risk we must, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing is one who does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrows, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, or love.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave - he has forfeited his freedom. Only a person who takes risks is FREE.
- author unknown
- Dr. Fred

Aug 27, Midlife women entrepreneurship

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 02:36:19 GMT

Yesterday, Dr. Fred wrote an interesting piece on baby boomers representing the fastest growing start-up group in Canada. In follow up to that post, I came across an article on women entrepreneurship by Rita Strombeck of the TIPS$ Midlife Women's Community. She reported that "according to the National Association for the Self-Employed (NASE), there are close to 4 million women business owners over age 40, and the number continues to grow as baby boomer women approach retirement." In interviews with over 100 women in their late 40s and older, Strombeck found many reasons for starting a business: - to have financial and personal independence, - to be creative (creativity is a key characteristic of the aging process), - to pursue a dream, - to do something meaningful and personally rewarding, - to make a contribution, - to do pleasurable work, - to achieve financial success. On the other hand, Strombeck found that starting a business was not all wine and roses. Midlife women entrepreneurs faced many obstacles: - having to use their own money to invest in the business and not being able to find funding, - continuing to be the primary caregiver at home or with their parents, - facing challenges to their self-confidence and not being taken seriously. Yet, those who persevered found starting a business tremendously exhilarating and satisfying. Listen to our interview with Brian Kurth on the story of two women who started a business in midlife. - Dr. Frank

Aug 26, Baby boomers are the fastest growing start-up group in Canada

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 01:30:44 GMT

Canada is experiencing a boom in business startups (so is the U.S.).
The over-55 Baby Boomer crowd is the fastest growing segment in business startups and theyre more educated.
Almost one in four of those who have started a business in the past two years have a university degree, double the rate seen in 1990. At the same time, the share of startups with less than high school education fell from 38 in 1990 to 21 in 2003.
The fastest-growing segment of the startup market is the 55-and-over age group, which now accounts for 15 of total startups, compared to 11 in 1990. This reflects not only an aging Canadian society, but an increased tendency toward early retirement. With computers and the Internet, its now easier for older Canadians to provide consulting services from home. They can also make use of their well-developed skills and wide business network.
Dr. Frank and I, both in our 60s and entrepreneurial have made a number of career transitions. We started our online business about two years ago.
This video provides an overview of the issues of Baby Boomer Entrepreneurship...

- Dr. Fred

Aug 25, A final word on dealing with difficult or crucial conversations

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 03:31:02 GMT

Let us take one last look, for the time being, at the disagreement Diane has with her older sister, Rita, in the way she handled the distribution of jewels their mother left as part of her estate. Diane may want to consult the book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson at al. Having an open dialogue is key to resolving their differences. Here is what HR Magazine wrote in a brief review about advice from the book in having an open conversation: - Stay focused. Be sure you know what you want and do not want. - Learn to look. The challenge is to avoid two extreme styles of interaction: silence (participants withdraw from the discussion) or violence (participants attack each other). - Keep the conversation "safe." The participants need to show mutual purpose and respect; they need to find a common ground. - Stay committed to the dialogue. Despite feeling angry, scared or hurt, keep the conversation moving forward. - Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Continue to ask questions and mirror responses. I will keep you posted as the story develops. - Dr. Frank

Aug 24, The practice of self observation

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 03:15:08 GMT

The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds. - R. D. Laing
In order for lasting change to occur, we need to have the ability to self-observe to distinguish the internal voice that is continually jabbering at us from the part of us thats noticing (without judgment) whats occurring in our experience. It requires suspending any tendency to act and be with whats present. The point in being passive is to have some power in intervening in the mechanicalness of thought, action, and speech.
Five Steps to Better Self-Observation (From, Be Your Own Coach, Barbara Braham)
1. Identify a coaching opening (an area of interest - eg. the way you listen or your ability to make or not make requests, etc.) that you want to know more about.
2. Make a list of questions about how you behave in that situation. Create questions that will help you see your situation more clearly. (Refer to the guidelines below on how to write your questions.)
3. Split yourself into halves. One half is your Engaged Self, the part of you that is in the action. The other half is your Observer Self, the part of you that watches yourself. The first time you try this you may find it a bit of a challenge, but with practice, you will be able to access your Observer Self quite easily.
4. Re-enter your coaching situation. Have your Observer Self watch your Engaged Self using the questions you created in step 2.
5. Record what you learn in a journal.
How To Observe Yourself You could observe how you:
- listen, or dont listen
- pause, or push forward
- state, or dont state your feelings
- manage, or dont manage your time
- interact with, or avoid, authority figures
- interact, or dont interact with the opposite sex
- etc.

Example:
Objective: to become more aware of the present status of my life. Daily Journal Questions Take 15-20 minutes each day for the next two weeks and address the following questions: - In what ways is my life balanced (or not) today?
- How did I take care of myself today?
- How did I take care of my spouse today?
- What is my attention on today?
- What are my current breakdowns? What actions will I take to resolve them?
My coaching clients and I have learned much about ourselves from this practice and it opens up new ways of relating to ourselves, others and the world around us which has us be more effective and fulfilled.

- Dr. Fred

Aug 23, Raising the issue - what to consider

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 01:44:24 GMT

Let's return to the disagreement between two sisters, Diane and Rita, over some jewels their mother left as part of her estate. In my previous post, I said that Diane didn't know whether to avoid the conflict with her sister or confront her. I mentioned that, according to the authors of the book Difficult Conversations, there were a number of things to consider. For example, think clearly about your choices, know your purposes for raising the issue, or just let the issue go. Diane mentioned to me that she feels you has to raise the issue; she feels deeply that she has been cheated. Now that Diane has decided to proceed, she should work toward a mutual understanding. The authors of Difficult Conversations recommend considering the following three purposes: 1. Learn their story Here is a list of excellent questions to consider in exploring the Three Conversations we spoke about: - "What information do they see that we missed or do not have access to? What past experiences influenced them? What is the reasoning for why they did what they did, what were their intentions? How did our actions impact them? What do they think we are contributed to the problem? What are they feeling? What does the situation it to them? How does affect your identity? What is at stake?" 2. Express your views and feelings It's important to share your views and feelings to your own satisfaction. So share your story: "your views, intentions, contributions, feelings, and identity issues." 3. Problem solve together How could you improve the situation moving forward? Can you find creative ways to satisfy both your needs? Where there is conflict, could you use equitable standards to come up with a workable solution? Diane should remember she and her sister each have their own story - each sees the world differently differently, each has different powerful feelings going on, and each has identity issues. I like what the authors of Difficult Conversations recommend: move from "certainty to curiosity, debate to exploration, from simplicity to complexity, from 'either/or' to 'and.'" - Dr. Frank

Aug 22, Transformation requires giving all of ones self

Sun, 22 Aug 2010 02:01:47 GMT

Since 1980, what my life has become about is transformation and development - personal, relational, organizational and planetary.

Thich Nhat Hanhs poem I Will Say I Want It All poignantly illustrates what it takes for ones transformation as well as contributing to anothers transformation.

I Will Say I Want It All

If you ask how much do I want,
Ill tell you that I want it all.
This morning, you and I
and all men
are flowing into the marvelous stream
of oneness.

Small pieces of imagination as we are,
we have come a long way to find ourselves
and for ourselves, in the dark, the illusion
of emancipation.

This morning, my brother is back from his
long adventure.
He kneels before the altar,
his eyes full of tears.
His soul is longing for a shore to set anchor at
(a yearning I once had).
Let him kneel there and weep.
Let him cry his heart out.
Let him have his refuge there for a thousand years,
enough to dry all his tears.

One night, I will come
and set fire to his shelter,
the small cottage on the hill.
My fire will destroy everything
and remove his only life raft after a shipwreck.

In the utmost anguish of his soul,
the shell will break.
The light of the burning hut will witness
his glorious deliverance.
I will wait for him beside the burning cottage.
Tears will run down my cheeks.
I will be there to contemplate his new being.
And as I hold his hands in mine
and ask him how much he wants,
he will smile and say that he wants it all
just as I did.

- Dr. Fred

Aug 21, What do I do with my sister: do I raise the issue or not?

Sat, 21 Aug 2010 01:42:45 GMT

In a previous blog post, I talked about a disagreement between two sisters, Diane and Rita, over some jewels their mother left as part of her estate. Diane was upset with the seemingly unfair way her older sister decided on the value of the jewels and the seemingly arbitrary way she distributed the jewels to each of their families. Diane didn't know whether to avoid the issue or confront her older sister. The authors of the book Difficult Conversations talk about three conversations that take place in any difficult conversation. They are the "What happened?" Conversation, the Feelings Conversation, and the Identity Conversation. I mentioned those in my previous post. The authors also talk about ways of deciding whether to raise an issue or not: - you have to think clearly about the choices, - you should work through the three conversations for yourself, - you could ask yourself if the real conflict is inside you (probably not in Diane's case), - you could choose another way of addressing the issue rather than talking about it directly, - you should consider your purposes for raising the issue, realizing you can't change the other person, you run the risk of causing long-term damage, and you need to take the time to deal with it properly. - you could let the issue go and be at peace with your choices. To be continued. - Dr. Frank

Aug 20, The wonders of music

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 01:51:09 GMT

In 1991, my father was misdiagnosed as having a mild stroke. As it turned out, it was a major one. For three years, he was trapped in his body with an alert mind but hardly able to talk and walk. He died in 1994.
One of the things that had him smiling was when my mother would start singing to him. He was able to remember tunes and at least hum in tune.
My mother, now 90 gets great pleasure from playing the piano, which she plays just as well now as she did when she was much younger. Her memory may not be as good as it was a few years ago, however, her joie de vivre (vitality) is very strong. Music appears to draw on positive memories and emotions.
The following is a synopsis that I read from the Positive Aging Newsletter related to aging, music and memory (From: Your Health, The Erickson Tribute, April 2010, pg. 8.
Also see, Janata, P. (2009). The neural architecture of music-evoked autobiographical memories. Cerebral Cortex, 19, 2579-2594.)
Music is the pathway to the heart, the poets say, and an important pathway to the brain, according to researchers studying people diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Among the benefits of playing music are the relaxing and motivating properties, but even more of interest is the way in which music can open up the past for people who normally have difficulties in remembering things.
Researchers at the University of California-Davis have noticed that the areas of the brain that support memories also process familiar music and emotions. This area of the brain remains intact despite disruptions in other parts of it. According to Petre Janata, Ph.D., playing familiar tunes can bring back memories of times associated with it.
Recent research on recall suggests that people who have difficulties with short-term memory are able to retain the emotional experience that accompanied an event. If you have a happy encounter with someone who is labeled as demented, that person may forget that you visited, but retain a happy feeling for the rest of the day.
- Dr. Fred

Aug 19, Exclusive interview with Brian Kurth, founder of VocationVacations.com

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 03:42:46 GMT

The latest interview in our series with experts on issues relevant to midlife development is with Brian Kurth. Brian is a career expert, author, and entrepreneur. In the interview, he talks about: - the new meaning of the word retirement, - the MTR model he has developed, which stands for mentorship, transition, and reinvention, - the real-life stories of several women who took part in his mentorship program to test drive a new career, - his eight action steps for finding a dream job or business, - his coaching program. It's full of ideas for those looking for a midlife career change. - Dr. Frank

Aug 18, Quieting the Lizard Brain

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 03:54:47 GMT

Ive been reading Seth Godins latest book, Linchpin: Are You Indispensable? A linchpin is somebody in an organization who is indispensable, who cannot be replacedher role is just far too unique and valuable. The only people who have a hope of becoming linchpins in any organization, who have any hope of changing anything for the better in real terms, are those who have the capacity to do emotional work at a high levelto be true artists at whatever they set their minds on doing (Amazon review).
This is a message many of us (I) need to hear because too many of us are doing good work and not great work. Tom Peters writes on the same theme in his reinventing work series of books...
The work can be cool!
The work can be beautiful!
The work can be fun!
The work can make a difference!
Y-O-U can make a difference!
Be distinct...or extinct!
What I appreciate about Linchpin is that Godin writes about a phenomenon that Im very familiar with through my patterns of behaviour as well as the many coaching clients Ive worked with - not completing what weve started and perhaps as Godin suggests, sabotaging what we set out to accomplish. With midlifers looking to create a life that matters, what he offers is very valuable.
Watch Seth speaking on this topic...

- Dr. Fred

Aug 17, Compassion is directly associated with happiness

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 03:35:53 GMT

Ive mentioned before in these posts that I practice a daily Buddhist meditation. Included is a practice referred to as loving-kindness that involves repeated phrases, images, and feelings to evoke loving-kindness and friendliness toward oneself and others. To the degree that we give ourselves space to be is the degree to which we give others the space to be. The more compassionate we are with ourselves, the more compassionate we are with others. Compassion and happiness are closely linked.
Heres a brief outline of my practice that I adopted from the book, A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield.
1. Sit comfortably.
2. Focus on your breathing. When thoughts arise, come back to your breath. Cultivate being relaxed.
3. Begin reciting inwardly the following phrases directed to yourself...
May I be filled with loving-kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.

4. Picture yourself as a child or as you are now held in a heart of loving-kindness.
5. Repeat this over and over until your feelings permeate your body and mind.
6. Practice this meditation for a number of weeks until you have the experience of loving-kindness towards you growing.
7. Then extend this recitation to include those close to you.
8. Then extend it to those with whom you feel estranged.
9. Then extend it to all sentient beings.
10. Practice this for 15-20 minutes once or twice daily.

Notice how your relationship to yourself and others takes on a different quality coming more from a heart-felt space.

Compassion is worth cultivating for the sake of humanity and the world as this video demonstrates...

- Dr. Fred

Aug 16, Reinventing yourself in retirement - latest midlife article

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 02:10:50 GMT

Check out the latest article in our series of midlife articles with experts on important issues to midlifers and beyond. Brian Kurth, founder of VocationVacations.com, shares his thinking on: - reinventing yourself and what it means - as a way of looking at retirement differently and as an opportunity to follow your dreams. - what it takes to find or create your dream job. - the importance of thinking about your likes and dislikes, skills and talents, and personal and financial goals. - creating an action plan including different scenarios for moving ahead with a midlife or beyond career change. - Dr. Frank

Aug 15, What do I do with my sister: avoid or confront?

Sun, 15 Aug 2010 04:48:27 GMT

The other day, a close lady friend of mine, Diane, shared with me the pain she's been having over a dispute with her older sister, Rita (the names have been changed). Their mother died last year and Rita was the trustee of the estate. Rita had full confidence in her older sister's handling of the estate. Even though Rita never shared any important documents or papers with her younger sister and always administered things without consulting anyone, Diane didn't mind. Diane's laissez-faire attitude, however, changed when it came to the distribution of some diamond and gold jewels. According to Diane, Rita clearly under estimated the value of the jewels and took a greater share for her family. Rita said this is the way it is done - case closed. Diane was very upset; she mentioned her dissatisfaction to her sister. But Rita said nothing could be done. Now Diane wonders whether she should avoid the problem entirely or confront Rita. Diane has always deferred to her older sister and hates confrontation. This kind of disagreement over money, jewels or property in the closing of an estate is not uncommon. The authors of the book, Difficult Conversations, say that "we attempt to avoid difficult conversations every day. No matter how confident we are. We all have conversations that cause anxiety and frustration." The authors state that any difficult conversation is really three conversations in one: 1. The "What happened?" conversation - this involves disagreement over what has happened or what should have been. "Who's right, who meant what, and who is to blame?" 2. The Feelings Conversation - Are my feelings valid or appropriate? Should I express them? What about the other person's feelings? 3. The identity Conversation - Am I a competent or incompetent person, a good person or bad person, worthy of love or unlovable? - all issues of self-esteem. How would you deal with the situation? Should Diane avoid the problem or confront her sister? More in my next blog post. - Dr. Frank

Aug 14, The stranger thats always present

Sat, 14 Aug 2010 03:08:59 GMT

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my dentist friend. His assistant was sharing that someone she knew told her husband, 66 years of age that he had 14 more years to live based on whats predictable about longevity these days. My friend responded that using a finite period of time left to live like this is a good way to wake up and soak up the zest of life make the best use of it. Life is a moment-to-moment affair. And death is one of those topics that we dont speak about, yet its always present in the background. Because were not comfortable in dealing with it, were at the effect of it and live in fear. At midlife and beyond, the voice whispering in our ears about the amount of time we have left to live becomes louder.
There is no place on earth where death cannot find us even if we constantly twist our heads about in all directions as in a dubious and suspect land... If there were any way of sheltering from deaths blows I am not the man to recoil from it... But it is madness to think you can succeed...
Men come and they go and they trot and they dance, and never a word about death. All well and good. Yet when death does come to them, their wives, their children, their friends catching them unawares and unprepared, then what storms of passion overwhelm them, what cries, what fury, what despair!...
To begin depriving death of its greatest advantage over us, let us adopt a way clean contrary to that common one; let us deprive death of its strangeness, let us frequent it, let us get used to it; let us have nothing more often in mind than death... We do not know where death awaits us: so let us await for it everywhere. To practice death is to practice freedom. A man who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave.
- Montaigne
- Dr. Fred

Aug 13, If I had more money, I'd be happy

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 02:53:29 GMT

The connection between money and happiness is one of the sore points I talk about in my new e-book coming out in the fall tentatively called Take Charge of Midlife and Beyond: 52 Ideas and Activities for Dealing with Life's Hot Spots. In the e-book, I quote the Tao Te Ching, a classic philosophical Taoist work, written in the sixth century, BC: "If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself." It seems that current research on the connection between money and happiness has not added much to that thought. Charles H. Elliott has written an informative piece on this very subject. Here are some of the remarks he makes: - Once you get past poverty and destitution, greater and greater wealth does not add much to your level of happiness or life satisfaction. - People's perception of wealth in comparison to their neighbors or peers does make a small difference in how happy people claim to be. - Increased wealth may actually hinder your ability to savour or appreciate every day positive experiences. Do the wealthy who travel first class all the time really savour a great gourmet meal? Elliott suggests that you stop comparing yourself to others who may be more well-off than you. Whenever those thoughts come up, think about those who earn less than you or are poverty-stricken. He also suggests focusing on the small joys or pleasurable moments of life. For me, one such moment is swimming with my wife, Jacqueline, in the local 25-metre outdoor pool at 6:30 am and seeing the sun rise. Absolutely delicious! - Dr. Frank

Aug 12, Smile and move

Thu, 12 Aug 2010 03:44:17 GMT

Yesterday, I met with my friend Mark, whos the director of a large personal and business development organization in Quebec. He was a long standing coaching client of mine. What I appreciate about him is his ability to listen to others without trying to fix them - a very rare skill. Usually, Im the one whos doing most of the listening...this time, I was doing most of the talking. He was asking me some very meaningful questions like, What inspires you now and what has inspired you?
It triggered my recollection of the principles in the book, Do More Great Work by Michael Bungay Stanier. He distinguishes three kinds of work:
1. Bad Work - a waste of time, energy and life. Doing it once is one time too many.
2. Good Work - the familiar, useful, productive work and do well. You spend most of your time on this. Its based on your education, training and experience. Its falls within your comfort zone.
3. Great Work - the work that matters, inspires, stretches and provokes. Theres a connection to what matters to you most. Theres also a degree of risk because youre moving into unknown territory.
For the most part, most of my work doesnt fall within Great Work. I find myself listening to an internal conversation that theres something out there that I need to discover, that grabs me and lights me up. Being the wise man that I am, I know life doesnt work that way.
When I come across something like the following video, it reorganizes my thinking so that I see something outside of my limiting conversation...

- Dr. Fred

Aug 11, Promoting successful learning

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 04:14:03 GMT

In my last piece, I wrote about "Promoting successful aging." I talked about the importance of doing regular physical activity, especially running, in this process. Today, I want to share some ideas about promoting successful learning. The ideas come from an article by Laurie Bartels on brain tips for teaching and learning. Laurie was writing within the context of classroom teaching and professional development. I've applied some of her suggestions, however, to promoting lifelong learning. Her suggestions include: - Review and reflect: revisiting ideas and making connections, taking a critical stance to help you create new meanings; - Think about how you learn: what teachers call metacognition. This has to do with knowing when and how to use particular strategies for learning and problem solving. An example of a strategy is self questioning: "What do I already know about this topic?" - Sleep and nutrition: giving you the energy to consolidate your learning to be productive; - Prior knowledge: building on what you already know in acquiring new information; - Novelty: make learning fun and challenging for yourself. - Dr. Frank

Aug 10, Service

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 09:54:23 GMT

MY NOTION ABOUT SERVICE IS THAT SERVICE IS ACTUALLY THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IN WHICH YOU HAVE A COMMITMENT TO THE PERSON. NOW I DON'T MEAN TO THE PERSON'S BODY OR TO THE PERSON'S PERSONALITY OR TO THE PERSON'S STOMACH OR TO THE PERSON'S ALMOST ANYTHING. WHAT I MEAN IN FACT IS THAT FOR ME WHAT SERVICE IS ABOUT IS BEING COMMITTED TO THE OTHER BEING, TO THE OTHER PERSON SPIRITUALLY, TO WHO THE PERSON IS. NOW THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS THAT TO THE DEGREE THAT YOU ARE IN FACT COMMITTED TO THE OTHER PERSON YOU ARE ONLY AS VALUABLE AS HOW YOU CAN DEAL WITH THE OTHER PERSON'S STUFF, THEIR EVIDENCE, THEIR MANIFESTATION, AND THAT'S WHAT SERVICE IS ALL ABOUT. SERVICE IS ABOUT KNOWING WHO THE OTHER PERSON IS, AND BEING ABLE TO TOLERATE GIVING SPACE TO THEIR GARBAGE. WHAT MOST PEOPLE DO IS TO GIVE SPACE TO PEOPLE'S QUALITY AND DEAL WITH THEIR GARBAGE. ACTUALLY, YOU SHOULD DO IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. DEAL WITH WHO THEY ARE AND GIVE SPACE TO THEIR GARBAGE. KEEP INTERACTING WITH THEM AS IF THEY WERE GOD. AND EVERY TIME YOU GET GARBAGE FROM THEM, GIVE SPACE TO THE GARBAGE AND GO BACK AND INTERACT WITH THEM AS IF THEY WERE GOD. - Werner Erhard
I had the privilege of being on staff in Montreal with Werner Erhard & Associates between 1986 and 1989. It was a very positive experience. There was much I learned (embodied) about communication (ruthless compassion and straight talk) leadership, responsibility, accountability, producing extraordinary results, integrity, workability, collaboration and service. Werner was a very controversial personality - he ruffled feathers. Thats what happens when you stand outside the cultural conversation and offer something new, which people at first perceive as threatening.
One of the most valuable things I got out of my engagement with Werner Erhard and Associates is relating to people as their commitments and not their personalities. This creates a non-violent and appreciative way of communicating with others. Sometimes I forget to act this way, so the quote is a good reminder to get me back to my practice.
How are you relating to the people in your life - as a personality or body of commitments?
- Dr. Fred

Aug 9, Promoting successful aging

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 02:15:47 GMT

In my new e-book coming out in the fall tentatively calledTake Charge of Midlife and Beyond: 52 Ideas and Activities for Dealing with Life's Hotspots, one of the hotspots I deal with is fitness and nutrition. In the e-book, I refer to the Archives of Internal Medicine, which reported that "physical activity may be the most effective prescription physicians can dispense for the purposes of promoting successful aging." My own prescription for successful aging during the summer involves swimming, running, and biking. Yesterday, I came across a fascinating interview between Dr. Sanjay Gupta, chief medical correspondent for CNN, and Christopher McDougall, author of Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World has Never Seen. In the short interview with SGMD, McDougall raved about the virtues of running barefoot over long distances. He talked excitedly about how a member of the Tarahumara community in Mexico was able to win a 100 mile race running in his bare feet. McDougall also demonstrated the technique, running barefoot with perfect elegance and style. No more sore feet and aching knees for him. He has rediscovered joy and childlike playfulness in running. T.M. Keller made these comments in his Amazon.com book review: This is a truly three-dimensional work of literature that had a profound effect on me. Intellectually, it changed the way I think about the human race, our origins, and our place in the world. Physically, it gave me information that allowed me to improve my performance as a runner and aim higher as an athlete. And spiritually, it reinforced the lessons of unity, compassion, peace, and brotherhood that great men and women have been trying to teach us for thousands of years which still, somehow, get pushed to the wayside when we look for the easy way out.

- Dr. Frank

Aug 8, What really matters?

Sun, 08 Aug 2010 04:24:14 GMT

One of the most meaningful experiences of my life was my participation with The Hunger Project, a global, non-profit, strategic organization committed to the sustainable end of world hunger. It put into perspective how small my problems were compared to most of humanity. I saw how each of us can make a difference even on a small scale. During that time, I was engaged in a game worth playing.
Many of us who are midlifers are looking to be engaged in something that provides meaning and purpose.
Watch the video (18:37 minutes) below of Sam Daley-Harris - Poverty, Purpose, Pitfalls, and Redemption. It may stimulate you to take on a game worth playing.
Sam Daley-Harris is founder of RESULTS, an international citizens' lobby dedicated to creating the political will to end poverty. Daley-Harris is also founder of the Microcredit Summit Campaign which surpassed its initial goal of reaching 100 million of the world's poorest families in 2007. That same year Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Muhammad Yunus said: ....no other organization has been as critical a partner in seeing to it that microcredit is used as a tool to eradicate poverty and empower women than RESULTS and RESULTS Educational Fund's Microcredit Summit Campaign.
In 2010, Ashoka founder Bill Drayton wrote, Sam Daley-Harris is one of the certified great social entrepreneurs of the last decades. After building RESULTS, he is the person more than anyone else who has brought microcredit into focus across the world and precipitated action. One of his mechanisms has been a series of global microcredit summits. I think these are the first such UN-like events not run by the UN, or by any government for that matter."

- Dr. Fred

Aug 7, Exclusive interview with Stephen Reisler, Business Transition Specialist

Sat, 07 Aug 2010 02:49:30 GMT

The latest interview in our series with experts on issues relevant to midlife development is with Stephen Reisler. He is a business advisor and transition expert as well as a connoisseur of new wines. He shares with us his ideas on: - why business owners should not view themselves as the business, - the importance of having an exit strategy, - the benefits of working with an experienced business transition specialist, - the difference between "retirement" and "activement." - career change and a second career. If you are a small business owner or know someone who runs a small business, you should not miss this interview. - Dr. Frank

Aug 6, In the beginning was the word and the word was God

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 02:27:19 GMT

The Tiger Woods saga continues. Last night, I saw him being interviewed during a press conference on t.v. Hes entering a tournament that hes won 7 times. Hes also having an off year to date, which is understandable.
A reporter asked him, Tiger, if you dont qualify to play on the American Ryder Cup team, would you accept a captains pick to be on the team. To which he replied sternly and confidently, Im going to qualify. To which the reporter responded, What happens if you dont qualify? Again, Tiger said, Im going to qualify. And the same scene repeated a third time.
Do you remember Mohammed Ali saying over and over, Im the greatest. Guess what? He was!
Do you remember President John Kennedy declaring at the beginning of the 60s that there would be a man on the moon by the end of the decade? It happened in 1969!
When an umpire calls a strike, its a strike, whether in fact its actually a strike by virtue of the authority of the ump- because he says so.
What Im getting at is that each of us has the power of creating a new future for ourselves based on our word because we say so. We have the authority to do so in our own lives.
The converse is also true - Argue for your limitations and theyre yours.
- Dr. Fred

Aug 5, More on brain fitness

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 03:23:23 GMT

Here are answers to the quiz I included in my last blog post. It is based on the work of Fernandez and Goldberg, authors of The Sharp Brains Guide to Brain Fitness. 1. Genes are entirely responsible for your level of brain fitness.
False. Our lifestyles and actions play a big part too. 2. Your brain fitness does not necessarily decline as you age.
True. It is not a given that your brain functioning declines as you get older. 3. The best way to improve your brain fitness is through medication.
False. There is no proof here. 4. There will never be a magic pill to solve all our brain fitness problems.
True. Your brain needs good nutrition, less stress, and more physical and mental exercise to function properly. 5. Brain fitness really involves only one brain function.
False. The brain functions at a variety of levels. 6. There are a variety of brain fitness activities for different brain functions.
True. This is similar to saying your body needs different foods to function properly. 7. Meditation may relax you but is not a good way to train your brain.
False. Meditation is great way to train your brain as well as cognitive therapy and cognitive training. 8. We all have a certain "Brain Age."
False. It is different for each individual. 9. Science can roll back "Brain Age."
False. Brain training can help but cannot reverse brain aging. 10. There is a one-size-fits-all brain fitness program.
False. Just as with physical fitness, brain fitness requires different routines. Did you know that we learn....? 10 of what we read. 20 of what hear. 30 of what we see. 50 of what we see and hear. 70 of what is discussed with others. 80 of what we experience. 95 of what we teach. Willam Glasser If you teach or do some form of mentoring or coaching, you may be interested in Eric Jensen's work on brain-based learning. - Dr. Frank

Aug 4, Autobiography in Five Chapters

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 01:50:23 GMT

In my recent blog posts, Ive been addressing the notion of waking up and how important that is for ourselves, others and the planet. Its related to what psychologists like Jung and Frankl refer to as individuation - a process of maturation in which the psyche ages or matures in much the same manner as the physical body.
>br> The following prose, in my view, captures the essence of waking up, especially at midlife, and living consciously...

Autobiography in Five Chapters- Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

- Dr. Fred

Aug 3, Why brain fitness is important for me

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 04:03:36 GMT

It's quite simple. Brain fitness is all about being alert, in control and productive, according to Fernandez and Goldberg writing in The Sharp Brains Guide to Brain Fitness. It is a topic I'll be exploring over my next several blog posts as I get myself mentally and physically prepared to return to my college teaching in several weeks. Here is a quiz for you on the topic of brain fitness based on material in the Fernandez and Goldberg book. Decide whether each statement is true or false. 1. Genes are entirely responsible for your level of brain fitness.
True or false. 2. Your brain fitness does not necessarily decline as you age.
True or false. 3. The best way to improve your brain fitness is through medication.
True or false. 4. There will never be a magic pill to solve all our brain fitness problems.
True or false. 5. Brain fitness really involves only one brain function.
True or false. 6. There are a variety of brain fitness activities for different brain functions.
True or false. 7. Meditation may relax you but is not a good way to train your brain.
True or false. 8. We all have a certain "Brain Age."
True or false. 9. Science can roll back "Brain Age."
True or false. 10. There is a one-size-fits-all brain fitness program.
True or false. Check my next blog post for the answers. - Dr. Frank

Aug 2, And now for something completely different

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 03:34:41 GMT

Offering information on midlife and happiness, doesnt have to be significant and serious. I believe that at midlife and beyond, we have the opportunity to wake up, to be fully present to life and come to know who we truly are instead of the mask we walk around with. Midlife, for me is a time for enlightenment, or lightening up about life (I need a lot of practice in this area!).
So, in the spirit of lightening up, check out these quotes related to aging...
"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'" - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'" - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." - Ed Furgol "Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." - Spike Milligan
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." - Henny Youngman
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress." - Will Rogers
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you." - Winston Churchill
"Maybe it's true that life begins at 50... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out." - Unknown
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." - Billy Crystal
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain
"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life." -Herbert Henry Asquith
- Dr. Fred

Aug 1, Happiness and money in the news again

Sun, 01 Aug 2010 05:56:49 GMT

I constantly see reports and studies on the connection between happiness and money. It is a hotspot or psychological soft spot for me, as well as other 3rd Agers. Just the other day, I did my semi-annual exercise of calculating my net worth. It is a self-assessment exercise that I recommend in my new e-book coming out in the fall. It's tentatively entitled, Taking Charge of Midlife and Beyond: Ideas and Activities for Dealing with Life's Hotspots - Aging, Change, Financial Pressures and More! I was pleased with the progress that my wife, Jacqueline, and I are making and it made me feel good. The University of Canberra in Australia has just published a new report, The Pursuit of Happiness, on the connection between money and happiness or life satisfaction for Australians. Here are some of the findings: - According to one of the researchers, "being financially better off can lead to greater happiness, but wealth alone does not determine happiness. Managing finances wisely - by paying off smaller debts, investing in a home and putting money in the bank or saving through superannuation - can help improve satisfaction at any age." - "Some debts like those associated with credit cards and overdue bills could lead to lower levels of happiness, but larger debts above $100,000 like mortgages linked to more valuable assets can positively influence happiness." - With regards to income levels, 45 of baby boomers (50 - 64) were satisfied to very satisfied with household income of over $43,000. On the other hand, almost 40 of baby boomers were not very satisfied to dissatisfied with incomes ranging between $ 32,000 and $36,000. I can relate to these findings. I know when enough is enough. One of the practices in my e book,Taking Charge of Midlife and Beyond, recommends thinking of how you could simplify your life, limiting your buying habits, and getting rid of stuff. How much is enough for you? - Dr. Frank

Jul 31, Being a contribution

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 15:27:11 GMT

I suppose I could be considered to be a very sensitive person. For the most part, I shun the news and resources which focus on whats wrong with the world, especially the conversation that we as a species are doomed if we continue along the path were on.
Yesterday, I bought the current issue of Shambhala Sun, a magazine devoted to Buddhism and one of my favourites. Its a source of peace for me.
In it was a review of a book, Earth: Making a Life on a Tough New Planet by Bill McKibben. The two as in Eaarth isnt a mispelling. It comes from McKibbens view that humans have changed Earth so fundamentally that its no longer the planet on which civilization developed over the last ten thousand years. Hence the homophone: we live on Eaarth, not Earth. Eaarth, McKibben says, represents the deepest of human failures, but were going to have to learn to live on this tough new planet.
Well that didnt exactly cheer me up. However, the article reinforces the maxim that transformation starts with a willingness to deal with whats so. It also reminded me that there are millions of people and many organizations who are at work and being a contribution to creating a new possibility for humanity. This is related to the principle of generativity - a developmental stage of midlife - a concern for establishing and guiding the next generation.
Watch this video of Paul Hawkens as he shares how countless organizations are at work in transforming the planet...

- Dr. Fred

Jul 30, What do I want?

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 03:00:03 GMT

In yesterday's blog post, Dr. Fred referred to Jim Selman's newly published article on our site called "What do you want?" (See looking for happiness.) Jim says that "profound acceptance of 'what is' is the key to happiness." That is the final answer to the recurring question "What do I want?" Interestingly, yesterday Dr. Toni LaMotta was talking about this very topic in an interview on blogtalkradio.com. Toni has asked us to partner with her on a new video conferencing series dealing with Mastering Midlife that will soon launch. During the hour-long interview, here are some of things Toni talked about: - how her many career changes (a spiritual journey through life) have taught her to reinvent herself and discover who she really is; - life purpose vs. soul purpose, the topic of her new book, Finding Meaning in Life. Life purpose has to do with ambition, goals and achievements; soul purpose has to do with meaning, why we do what we are doing, and who I am becoming; - some of the obstacles to getting clear on what we want, based on her book What You Really Want, Wants You. These include saying "I don't know;" not thinking clearly about what we want; and not believing that we can really get it. - the "Smile Test;" - goal setting and the visualization process. I highly recommend listening to Toni share her wisdom as she speaks from the heart. - Dr. Frank

Jul 29, Looking for Happiness? A fresh perspective on wanting that can bring you happiness

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 02:45:14 GMT

Check out the second article submitted by Jim Selman.
In this article, about looking for happiness, Jim makes the point that whatever drove our wanting in the past whether it was power, money, fame, possessions, relationships or whatever seems to wane with age.
He distinguishes the following:
- happiness is a function of wanting what we have;
- happiness is a function of accepting what is;
- freedom lies in choosing what is.
Werner Erhard, the founder of the est training and original source for Landmark Education suggested an experiment for people on the power (lack of) of wanting...
On a clear night, shout out to the stars and heavens what you want. See what effect that has...zilch! What moves the universe is commitment (action). Wanting is an internal feeling state.
- Dr. Fred

Jul 28, Midlife entrepreneurship may also be the ticket to happiness

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 04:13:19 GMT

In yesterday's post, Dr. Fred gave 11 reasons for becoming a midlife entrepreneur. I'd like to propose a 12th reason: you may find personal satisfaction and happiness. The Economic Times reported on a survey of small businesses in the US and Canada done by Canada's TD (Toronto Dominion) Bank Financial Group. The survey included 1213 small businesses, with 5 to 50 employees, across a dozen North American cities. Here are some of its findings: - Over 60 of small business owners described themselves as "very happy." - Close to 90 of the owners preferred to work for themselves rather than someone else. - Working for themselves gave owners a sense of control and freedom that they wouldn't have as an employee. - Satisfaction also came from a "sense of pride and accomplishment," "deep personal connection to their employees" as well as their customers, and having the opportunity to volunteer in the community or make contributions to charity. - Small business owners also appreciated setting their own schedule and making their own decisions. Small-business owners, however, admitted that they worked long hours. For me, I do not consider "working" at my business as work, but rather as a passion I am pursuing. If you're interested in creating your own small online business, I highly recommend SBI!. It's the online business building tool Dr. Fred and use. - Dr. Frank

Jul 27, Midlife entrepreneurship may be the ticket to express your passion

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 03:35:32 GMT

The trend these days is for midlifers to develop Encore Careers- which combine personal fulfillment, social impact and continued income, enabling people to put their passion to work for the greater good.
The tarnished dream of Golden Years of endless leisure is giving way to a new form of practical idealism: real jobs tackling real problems and making real impact.
Typically Encore Careers occur within the domains of advocacy for a group or issue one cares about, education, the environment, safety of communities, working on poverty, working with a religious/spiritual organization, working with the elderly, and working in health care.
Theres also the opportunity to be an entrepreneur - a conscious one, making a contribution to society while at the same time expressing your passion. Thats what Dr. Frank and I are doing - contributing to the quality of life of midlifers and beyond through being infopreneurs.
Here are 11 reasons for becoming a midlife entrepreneur...
1.Youre healthier and living longer.
2. You want to stay involved and engaged.
3. You enjoy generating extra income.
4. You get to build a business around something you enjoy and are passionate about.
5. You have a full rolodex and 20-30 years of experience to back you.
6. You want the independence and flexibility that comes from working for yourself.
7. You have confidence and experience, and know what youre good at.
8. You may already have a pool of money saved to help finance your business.
9. You can do business from home, using the Internet as your storefront.
10. You arent discriminated against because of your age.
11. Most importantly, who you are is service - you want to give back, make a difference and leave a legacy. You get to call the shots. You dont need to work on yourself anymore. Your life is about others!
If you are in your 40s or 50s, youve already begun to think about retirement. But what is retirement? Is it a stopping point or a place to start? An ending or a beginning?
- Dr. Fred

Jul 26, More on being successful

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 04:02:38 GMT

The other day I shared the first five things you need to know about becoming successful, according to Stephen Downes, an insighful writer and educator. These include being able to 1) predict consequences, 2) read, 3) distinguish truth from fiction, 4) empathize, and 5) be creative. In yesterdays post, Dr. Fred added to the discussion of the meaning of success by referring to the distinction among being, doing and having. He made the point that in life, you do not have to do anything. Its all a question of what you are being. I think that Downes view of success fits into the framework of coming from that Dr. Fred describes. Attaining success is a process and involves becoming. It is a matter of being: 6. Communicative: Downes talks only about being an effective communicator through writing but it also means saying clearly what you mean. He recommends the practice of writing everyday. 7. Devoted to learning: Its important to look for patterns and understand how things relate to each other. He advocates repeating what you learn and also drawing pictures to help you find patterns, hence the importance of mind maps and concept maps. 8. Healthy: Downes emphasizes the importance of minimizing exposure to disease and toxins and of maintaining your body through proper nutrition and proper exercise. Its important to take on daily practices that underpin a healthy lifestyle. 9. Positive in your view of yourself: You have to believe in yourself and take charge of your own self-worth. 10. In the moment and living meaningfully: You can create meaning for yourself by making the right life choices. You have the power to choose the consequences. Whether you are student or an older person, Downes suggestions for being successful are well worth making a part of your own life. - Dr. Frank

Jul 25, Success is a place to come from

Sun, 25 Jul 2010 10:40:42 GMT

In yesterdays post, Dr. Frank shared about his inquiry into the meaning of success. He approached the subject how most people approach any area - define what it is and then find out the ingredients, the steps, the formula, the answer and the recipe to get there.
Consider these points:
1. Success occurs in language (languaging).
2. Success is an individual matter.
3. Success is a come from phenomenon. You start with being then doing then having. Not the other way around which is the common way that people operate. Come from refers to the Be-Do-Have paradigm.
My first exposure to this distinction was in 1980 when I completed what is now referred to as the Landmark Education Forum. It then was reinforced through my exposure to ontology and the philosophy of language.
You may be familiar with the series of books, Conversations With God by Neale Walsch. The series is based on an uncommon dialogue between God and Walsch. Gods words came through Walschs writing.
In Book 3, God speaks to the Be-Do-Have paradigm...
GOD: Most people believe if they have a thing (more time, money, love -- whatever), then they can finally do a thing (write a book, take up a hobby, go on vacation, buy a home, undertake a relationship), which will allow them to be a thing (happy, peaceful, content, or in love). In actuality, they are reversing the Be-Do-Have paradigm. In the universe as it really is (as opposed to how you think it is), havingness does not produce beingness, but the other way around.
First you be the thing called happy (or knowing, or wise, or compassionate, or whatever), then you start doing things from this place of beingness -- and soon you discover that what you are doing winds up bringing you the things you've always wanted to have.
The way to set this creative process (and that's what this is...the process of creation) into motion is to look at what it is you want to "have," ask yourself what you think you would "be" if you "had" that, then go right straight to being.
In this way you reverse the way you've been using the Be-Do-Have paradigm -- in actuality, set it right -- and work with, rather than against, the creative power of the universe.
Here is a short way of stating this principle:
In life, you do not have to do anything. It's all a question of what you are being.
- Dr. Fred

Jul 24, What is success?

Sat, 24 Jul 2010 11:43:11 GMT

I have been thinking about the meaning of success lately. Interestingly, Wikipedia relates success to one's "level of social status, the achievement of an objective or goal, the opposite of failure, and the succession of successfully executed tasks and successes." Not very helpful. The last point sounds like a tongue twister to me. In searching the web, I came across a fascinating article by Stephen Downes, a Canadian e-learning specialist, writer and avid blogger on education and other matters. The article is not really concerned with success, but rather how to be successful. He mentions 10 things you need to know in becoming successful. Here are the first five. Stephen argues that you need to know how to... 1. Predict consequences: it's important that you think ahead in order to predict consequences of situations and interactions. For example, buses and trains are not always on time. For someone like me who takes a bus and train to my college, knowing that could save me the embarrassment of arriving late for class. 2. Read: it's important to be a critical reader of different writing types (description, argument, explanation, and definition), as well as a critical listener/viewer of audio and video material. In addition, you need to be aware of the difference between good and bad writing in order to cut through the fluff. 3. Distinguish truth from fiction: it's important to question what you are are told as well as what you read and hear in the media, especially the Internet. In an interview on CNN, Andrew Keen, author of The Cult of the Amateur, made the point that anyone can say anything on the Internet, which can mislead us, provide false information, and even destroy reputations. 4. Empathize: Stephen claims that by being open to other people's ways of thinking and feeling, you "open yourself up to a surprising source of knowledge and insight." He recommends studying drama and taking part in role-playing, two activities which put you in someone else's shoes. 5. Be creative: he thinks everyone can be creative if they put their mind to it. Creativity is a matter of "using manipulating your knowledge in certain ways." We also become creative in responding to a problem or challenge. For example, I am in the process of writing an e-book for mid lifers on ways of taking control of their life. For me, writing is the ultimate act of creation that enables me to use my knowledge and writing skills in new ways. My next blog post will present his other five recommendations. Learn more about Stephen on his website. - Dr. Frank

Jul 23, Say F**k It - a source of midlife liberation

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 02:58:11 GMT

The last two days, Ive been considering what topics I could write about that would form the contents of a report or audio program that Id post on this site. I thought Id ask midlifers to ponder the 10 existential themes common to humanity like-
- Absurdity
- Rejection of meaning-giving narratives
- Alienation
- Anxiety
- Forlornness
- Responsibility
- Authenticity
- Individuality
- Passion/engagement
- Death
Then I came across a website that highly recommended the book, F**k It by John Parkin. Its a Taoist approach, in which when you say f**k it to whatever, youre letting go and falling into the flow of life - no struggle, no significance, no suffering, no shoulds.
When you say F**k It, you let go of your hold on something - usually something thats causing you pain.
When you say F**k It, you give into the flow of life - you stop doing what you dont want to do, you finally do what youve always wanted to do, and you stop listening to people and listen to yourself.
Say F**k It to something anything.
Lets SHOUT together...F**************kkkkkk Iiiiiiiiiiiittttttt!

Certainly food for thought.
- Dr. Fred

Jul 22, Exclusive interview with Albert Nerenberg, Laughologist

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 03:43:53 GMT

The latest interview in our series with experts on issues relevant to midlife development is with Albert Nerenberg. He is an independent Canadian filmmaker, actor, journalist, and creator of the film, Laughology. Tune in to the audio interview and find out: - what a laughologist is and how Albert became one; - why he invented Laughercize, a system of joy-inducing exercise that works off natural human contagious laughter; - how regular laughter can provide health and psychological benefits, particularly for midlifers and beyond; - the relevance of his work on stupidity for midlifers and beyond; - his series for the Montreal Gazette on the "New Positivity and the Science of Fun"; - what "Idea City" is all about. Don't miss it. You may even laugh. - Dr. Frank

Jul 21, Learning to unthink

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 03:08:47 GMT

On this blog, Ive shared that I operate my businesses through my home office. During the course of the last year, Ive gone from many years of networking and meeting all sorts of people (which Ive enjoyed) to taking a break from kissing many frogs before I kiss the prince. What Im referring to is that in the context of building my coaching business, I needed to meet many people before I would develop a client. My operating mode is givers gain. Not many people, in my experience, really practice this. And I suppose that this could be attributed to them not being adequately trained in this approach. I dont know. In any case, I got tired of playing the kissing the frog game.
What thats left me with is a very mischievous mind, which generally tells me how screwed up I am. Its amplified because much of the time, Im in solitude. If I didnt engage in the practices that are part of my life like running, cycling, weight training, yoga, Buddhist meditation and reaching out to people I know who can get me when Im in a funk, I think Id need to see a shrink.
Ive learned an access to peace through the teachings of people like Jon Kabat-Zinn, well known for his stress reduction programs and books. Just watching and listening to him speak as he does in the following video does the trick for me. He speaks to the notion of going from how through our educational system were trained in critical thinking to the need for us to come to our senses and learning to unthink.

- Dr. Fred

Jul 20, Live video conference on growth, transformation and reinvention

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 03:20:03 GMT

Join our live video conference tonight, July 20, at 9 PM EDT with Dr. Toni LaMotta, Dr. Fred and myself. Dr. Toni is a midlife reinvention specialist whose spiritual teachings support those who are reinventing themselves from the inside-out. Her mission is to change the way the world views midlife. Dr. Toni is an international keynote speaker and best-selling author as well as a spiritual life coach. Her background includes being an ordained New Thought minister as well as the director of In-Lightened Enterprises, LLC. Her work specializes in women reinventing themselves in midlife. She has been an adjunct professor at two universities and a corporate consultant and trainer. Dr. Tony will be interviewing Dr. Fred and myself on our work. She will also be introducing the Mastering Midlife Video Conference series featuring experts on midlife development. It is great opportunity to give us your feedback on: - your immediate concerns and needs. - the names of experts on midlife development you would like to learn from and interact with. Click below for more information and signing up. - Dr. Frank