Midlife Crisis Coping BlogThis Midlife Crisis Coping Blog shows you practices in the domains of career, education and spirituality which address areas especially relevant to people in midlife, like goal-setting and self discovery. Dr. Frank and Dr. Fred review best practices in these domains, and use their knowledge and experience to adapt them for people in midlife transitions who are looking to ongoingly create happiness in their lives.
Sep 2, 2010, Midlife depression, midlife happiness, and positive agingI was struck by a recent article by Douglas LaBier, Director of the Center for Progressive Development, entitled "Our So-called 'Midlife' - Why Happiness and Depression both Appear to Increase." Here are a few of the main points he makes in the article: - We should re-examine the term "midlife." With people living longer and healthier lives on the one hand, but lives that have more stress and strain, LaBier says that midlife now begins in the mid-30s and carries on to the mid-80s. - According to recent research, midlife has the potential for both depression and suicide as well as increased happiness. - In midlife, people are grappling with such core questions as, "What am I living for?" and "What is the purpose of my life?" Many mid lifers feel trapped within their past choices and/or materialistic lifestyles. For some, this could push them towards redirecting their lives in more fulfilling ways. For others, it could lead to a downward spiral of despair and resignation. - Labier offers this view of positive aging: "I suggest thinking of so-called midlife as a positive transition zone into full adulthood. A period for creative solutions and better trade-offs regarding your current commitments - mortgages, tuitions, salaries, expenditures working relationships. And a time for restructuring your choices, values and goals; making them support an integrated, healthy and authentic life, through which you can continue to grow and develop in all realms of your life." Dr. Fred and I are very much aligned with this thinking in our own work on this website. You might want to check out LaBier's book entitled Modern Madness: The hidden link between work and emotional conflict. I like this quote of George Bernard Shaw from the first chapter of the book: "There are two sources of unhappiness in life. One is not getting what you want; the other is getting it." - Dr. Frank Sep 1, 2010, Midlife transition and “basic sanity”
Most of us are familiar with this hackneyed quote...
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” - Albert Einstein
Every morning, I phone my mother (90) to say hello and find out how she’s doing. She’s had a chronic painful back since her 20s and she’s done nothing about it. Now, it’s become worse.
Rather than taking some pain medication and/or seeing a doctor, she tells me that the pain will go away on its own, yet pretty much every day she suffers. That’s what I have labelled as insanity. I was judging her on being real stupid and stubborn on not doing anything about her condition.
Then I thought to myself, well there are areas in my life, where I have my version of insanity, so I’ve become more compassionate for my mother.
The Buddhists have a notion of “basic sanity” – “that all of us are sane in a fundamental sense, but that we are not always in touch with that sanity. Sometimes only when we relax can we access it. This model defines sanity as "brilliant" and is characterised by the capacity to be open to all aspects of our life experiences. It is recognised by moments of 'clarity,' which is the recognition of the interconnectedness and ever-changing 'nature' of every aspect of what comes and goes in our minds, our emotions, our thoughts, our sensations and our actions that result from such internal computations.” - Wikipedia
This is very relevant to midlife change and transition in which sometimes it feels like we’re dislocated – like the rug has been pulled out from under our feet. Through practicing mindfulness, we come to create space for whatever is bothering us and come to access “basic sanity.” - Dr. Fred Aug 31, 2010, A success story of midlife career changeYesterday, Dr. Fred and I had the pleasure of interviewing Shaun Fawcett, a true business success story. He is a Canadian-based writer, business consultant, journalist, and publisher. He is also founder of Writinghelp-central.com, one of the most popular web sites for helping people with their writing problems. After putting in 25 years as a civil servant with the Federal government, Shaun decided he didn't want a job anymore. It was time to go into business for himself. In 2001, he came across an article by Ken Evoy, founder of Site Build It!, and discovered that it was possible to run a successful money-making online business. He purchased the product and set up his website, the first of many. Ten years later, his main website, Writinghelp-central.com - what he calls his "Mother Ship" - attracts five to six million visitors a year. Very impressive indeed! If you're interested in creating your own home-based business, Shaun highly recommends SBI. And so do Dr. Fred and I. It's a complete turn-key package. Look for our exclusive interview with Shaun Fawcett appearing on our website on September 29, 2010. - Dr. Frank Aug 30, 2010, Life is like a pinball machine
A number of years ago, I heard a personal development facilitator say that life was like a pinball machine. The ball is launched with great gusto and as it comes back down the ramp, it bangs into bumpers. The player’s job is to keep the ball from going into the hole at the bottom - ultimately, without success. We all know where the ball ends up.
When I was an undergraduate many years ago, a friend would remind me, “Fred, don’t take life so seriously - you’ll never get out of it alive.” That used to really bug me until as I got older, I realized how wise he was in saying that.
In life, stuff happens. When we get serious about something, it means we’re adding significance to the “what’s so”- a real good way to suffer.
Shakespeare wrote on this in Macbeth:
“To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
And I like this story taken from the book, The Art of Possibility by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander...
Rule Number 6
Two prime ministers are sitting in a room discussing affairs of state. Suddenly a man bursts in, apoplectic with fury, shouting and stamping and banging his fist on the desk. The resident prime minister admonishes him: “Peter,” he says, “kindly remember Rule Number 6,” whereupon Peter is instantly restored to complete calm, apologizes, and withdraws. The politicians return to their conversation, only to be interrupted yet again twenty minutes later by an hysterical woman gesticulating wildly, her hair flying. Again the intruder is greeted with the words: “Marie, please remember Rule Number 6.” Complete calm descends once more, and she too withdraws with a bow and an apology. When the scene is repeated for a third time, the visiting prime minister addresses his colleague: “My dear friend, I’ve seen many things in my life, but never anything as remarkable as this. Would you be willing to share with me the secret of Rule Number 6?” “Very simple,” replies the resident prime minister. “Rule Number 6 is ‘Don’t take yourself so goddamn seriously.’””Ah,” says his visitor, “that is a fine rule.” After a moment of pondering, he inquires, “And what, may I ask, are the other rules?”
The next time you find yourself being heavy and significant, ask yourself what story you’re adding to the situation. - Dr. Fred Aug 29, 2010, Can procrastination make you happy?I am fascinated by the topic of time management and efficiency, as well as the issue of procrastination. I do not often procrastinate; but I keep on putting off a report I have to do for my college, which does not sit well with me. Yesterday, as I was skimming the careers and employment section of my local newspaper, I came across an article on procrastination. I skimmed the article and saw reference to a new book by Canadian psychologist Tim Pychyl called The Procrastinator's Digest. I looked up Tim's work published in the online version of Psychology Today and found an article he wrote on the connection between procrastination and happiness, one of the core concerns of this website. In the article, Tim rebuts an assertion, put forward by Jessica Pryce-Jones, author of Happiness at Work, that procrastination can make us happy. Pryce-Jones argues that not all procrastination is bad for everyone. She also says that some people need to build procrastination into their day in order to psych themselves to get stuff done. Not so! Tim takes her to task on two points. First, he says that the idea of "the active procrastinator" is a common myth. There is no empirical proof that people who work under pressure produce better ideas or are more efficient. Second, research shows that "procrastination predicted poor performance overall and lower levels of well-being. Certainly procrastination is not a route to happiness. Our own research shows that procrastination even undermines health." Tim contends that pursuing our goals contributes to happiness. Furthermore, he points out a distinction between delaying and procrastinating. It is okay to delay things from time to time in the pursuit of our goals. But procrastination does not pay off. If you're a hard-core procrastinator, you might want to check out Tim's book. It presents strategies that may help you facilitate change in your life, another core concern of this website. - Dr. Frank Aug 28, 2010, The easy rule of life
In his book, The Joy of Not Working, Ernie Zelinski, writes on something he calls, “the easy rule of life.”
The concept looks like this...
DO: THE EASY AND COMFORTABLE----->LIFE ENDS UP BEING DIFFICULT
DO: THE DIFFICULT AND UNCOMFORTABLE----->LIFE ENDS UP BEING EASY
What he’s addressing here is the issue of boredom...most of us minimize the risks we take in life for the sake of comfort, so in the long run we rob ourselves of aliveness and fulfillment.
Ernie states it like this...
“The biggest obstacle to success (fulfillment) is the discomfort in doing the necessary things we must do to attain success. As human beings we gravitate toward less pain and more pleasure. Choosing the easy way ensures that we wind up in a rut. And the only difference between a rut and a grave is the dimensions. In the rut you get to join the living dead, and in the grave you get to join the dead dead.”
According to William Sadler, author of the book, The Third Age: 6 Principles For Growth and Renewal After Forty, one of his key paradoxical principles is balancing mindful reflection and risk taking. Much of what I share in these posts is the importance of being mindful and living consciously - waking up. A full life also requires risk-taking.
This morning I received an email message from a friend letting me know that her father had died. In another message from my cousin, he shared with me how courageous his older brother is in dealing with the cancer he’s been dealing with for the last two years.
Death and loss are very good reminders of how tenuous life is and to wake up and live fully.
This poem gets to the gist of what I’m sharing...
“To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
- author unknown - Dr. Fred Aug 27, 2010, Midlife women entrepreneurshipYesterday, Dr. Fred wrote an interesting piece on baby boomers representing the fastest growing start-up group in Canada. In follow up to that post, I came across an article on women entrepreneurship by Rita Strombeck of the TIPS$ Midlife Women's Community. She reported that "according to the National Association for the Self-Employed (NASE), there are close to 4 million women business owners over age 40, and the number continues to grow as baby boomer women approach retirement." In interviews with over 100 women in their late 40s and older, Strombeck found many reasons for starting a business: - to have financial and personal independence, - to be creative (creativity is a key characteristic of the aging process), - to pursue a dream, - to do something meaningful and personally rewarding, - to make a contribution, - to do pleasurable work, - to achieve financial success. On the other hand, Strombeck found that starting a business was not all wine and roses. Midlife women entrepreneurs faced many obstacles: - having to use their own money to invest in the business and not being able to find funding, - continuing to be the primary caregiver at home or with their parents, - facing challenges to their self-confidence and not being taken seriously. Yet, those who persevered found starting a business tremendously exhilarating and satisfying. Listen to our interview with Brian Kurth on the story of two women who started a business in midlife. - Dr. Frank Aug 26, 2010, Baby boomers are the fastest growing start-up group in Canada
Canada is experiencing a boom in business startups (so is the U.S.).
The over-55 Baby Boomer crowd is the fastest growing segment in business startups and they’re more educated.
Almost one in four of those who have started a business in the past two years have a university degree, double the rate seen in 1990. At the same time, the share of startups with less than high school education fell from 38% in 1990 to 21% in 2003.
The fastest-growing segment of the startup market is the 55-and-over age group, which now accounts for 15% of total startups, compared to 11% in 1990. This reflects not only an aging Canadian society, but an increased tendency toward early retirement. With computers and the Internet, it’s now easier for older Canadians to provide consulting services from home. They can also make use of their well-developed skills and wide business network.
Dr. Frank and I, both in our 60s and entrepreneurial have made a number of career transitions. We started our online business about two years ago.
This video provides an overview of the issues of Baby Boomer Entrepreneurship...
- Dr. Fred Aug 25, 2010, A final word on dealing with difficult or crucial conversationsLet us take one last look, for the time being, at the disagreement Diane has with her older sister, Rita, in the way she handled the distribution of jewels their mother left as part of her estate. Diane may want to consult the book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson at al. Having an open dialogue is key to resolving their differences. Here is what HR Magazine wrote in a brief review about advice from the book in having an open conversation: - Stay focused. Be sure you know what you want and do not want. - Learn to look. The challenge is to avoid two extreme styles of interaction: silence (participants withdraw from the discussion) or violence (participants attack each other). - Keep the conversation "safe." The participants need to show mutual purpose and respect; they need to find a common ground. - Stay committed to the dialogue. Despite feeling angry, scared or hurt, keep the conversation moving forward. - Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Continue to ask questions and mirror responses. I will keep you posted as the story develops. - Dr. Frank Aug 24, 2010, The practice of self observation
“The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.” - R. D. Laing
In order for lasting change to occur, we need to have the ability to self-observe – to distinguish the internal voice that is continually jabbering at us from the part of us that’s noticing (without judgment) what’s occurring in our experience. It requires suspending any tendency to act and be with what’s present. The point in being passive is to have some power in intervening in the mechanicalness of thought, action, and speech.
Five Steps to Better Self-Observation (From, Be Your Own Coach, Barbara Braham)
1. Identify a coaching opening (an area of interest - eg. the way you listen or your ability to make or not make requests, etc.) that you want to know more about.
2. Make a list of questions about how you behave in that situation. Create questions that will help you see your situation more clearly. (Refer to the guidelines below on how to write your questions.)
3. Split yourself into halves. One half is your Engaged Self, the part of you that is in the action. The other half is your Observer Self, the part of you that watches yourself. The first time you try this you may find it a bit of a challenge, but with practice, you will be able to access your Observer Self quite easily.
4. Re-enter your coaching situation. Have your Observer Self watch your Engaged Self using the questions you created in step 2.
5. Record what you learn in a journal. How To Observe Yourself
You could observe how you:
Example: Objective: to become more aware of the present status of my life. Daily Journal Questions Take 15-20 minutes each day for the next two weeks and address the following questions:
- In what ways is my life balanced (or not) today?
My coaching clients and I have learned much about ourselves from this practice and it opens up new ways of relating to ourselves, others and the world around us which has us be more effective and fulfilled. - Dr. Fred Aug 23, 2010, Raising the issue - what to considerLet's return to the disagreement between two sisters, Diane and Rita, over some jewels their mother left as part of her estate. In my previous post, I said that Diane didn't know whether to avoid the conflict with her sister or confront her. I mentioned that, according to the authors of the book Difficult Conversations, there were a number of things to consider. For example, think clearly about your choices, know your purposes for raising the issue, or just let the issue go. Diane mentioned to me that she feels you has to raise the issue; she feels deeply that she has been cheated. Now that Diane has decided to proceed, she should work toward a mutual understanding. The authors of Difficult Conversations recommend considering the following three purposes: 1. Learn their story Here is a list of excellent questions to consider in exploring the Three Conversations we spoke about: - "What information do they see that we missed or do not have access to? What past experiences influenced them? What is the reasoning for why they did what they did, what were their intentions? How did our actions impact them? What do they think we are contributed to the problem? What are they feeling? What does the situation it to them? How does affect your identity? What is at stake?" 2. Express your views and feelings It's important to share your views and feelings to your own satisfaction. So share your story: "your views, intentions, contributions, feelings, and identity issues." 3. Problem solve together How could you improve the situation moving forward? Can you find creative ways to satisfy both your needs? Where there is conflict, could you use equitable standards to come up with a workable solution? Diane should remember she and her sister each have their own story - each sees the world differently differently, each has different powerful feelings going on, and each has identity issues. I like what the authors of Difficult Conversations recommend: move from "certainty to curiosity, debate to exploration, from simplicity to complexity, from 'either/or' to 'and.'" - Dr. Frank Aug 22, 2010, Transformation requires giving all of one’s self
Since 1980, what my life has become about is transformation and development - personal, relational, organizational and planetary.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s poem “I Will Say I Want It All” poignantly illustrates what it takes for one’s transformation as well as contributing to another’s transformation.
I Will Say I Want It All”
“If you ask how much do I want,
Small pieces of imagination as we are,
This morning, my brother is back from his
One night, I will come
In the utmost anguish of his soul, - Dr. Fred Aug 21, 2010, What do I do with my sister: do I raise the issue or not?In a previous blog post, I talked about a disagreement between two sisters, Diane and Rita, over some jewels their mother left as part of her estate. Diane was upset with the seemingly unfair way her older sister decided on the value of the jewels and the seemingly arbitrary way she distributed the jewels to each of their families. Diane didn't know whether to avoid the issue or confront her older sister. The authors of the book Difficult Conversations talk about three conversations that take place in any difficult conversation. They are the "What happened?" Conversation, the Feelings Conversation, and the Identity Conversation. I mentioned those in my previous post. The authors also talk about ways of deciding whether to raise an issue or not: - you have to think clearly about the choices, - you should work through the three conversations for yourself, - you could ask yourself if the real conflict is inside you (probably not in Diane's case), - you could choose another way of addressing the issue rather than talking about it directly, - you should consider your purposes for raising the issue, realizing you can't change the other person, you run the risk of causing long-term damage, and you need to take the time to deal with it properly. - you could let the issue go and be at peace with your choices. To be continued. - Dr. Frank Aug 20, 2010, The wonders of music
In 1991, my father was misdiagnosed as having a mild stroke. As it turned out, it was a major one. For three years, he was trapped in his body with an alert mind but hardly able to talk and walk. He died in 1994.
One of the things that had him smiling was when my mother would start singing to him. He was able to remember tunes and at least hum in tune.
My mother, now 90 gets great pleasure from playing the piano, which she plays just as well now as she did when she was much younger. Her memory may not be as good as it was a few years ago, however, her joie de vivre (vitality) is very strong. Music appears to draw on positive memories and emotions.
The following is a synopsis that I read from the Positive Aging Newsletter related to aging, music and memory (From: Your Health, The Erickson Tribute, April 2010, pg. 8.
Music is the pathway to the heart, the poets say, and an important pathway to the brain, according to researchers studying people diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Among the benefits of playing music are the relaxing and motivating properties, but even more of interest is the way in which music can open up the past for people who normally have difficulties in remembering things.
Researchers at the University of California-Davis have noticed that the areas of the brain that support memories also process familiar music and emotions. This area of the brain remains intact despite disruptions in other parts of it. According to Petre Janata, Ph.D., playing familiar tunes can bring back memories of times associated with it.
Recent research on recall suggests that people who have difficulties with short-term memory are able to retain the emotional experience that accompanied an event. If you have a happy encounter with someone who is labeled as demented, that person may forget that you visited, but retain a happy feeling for the rest of the day. - Dr. Fred Aug 19, 2010, Exclusive interview with Brian Kurth, founder of VocationVacations.comThe latest interview in our series with experts on issues relevant to midlife development is with Brian Kurth. Brian is a career expert, author, and entrepreneur. In the interview, he talks about: - the new meaning of the word retirement, - the MTR model he has developed, which stands for mentorship, transition, and reinvention, - the real-life stories of several women who took part in his mentorship program to test drive a new career, - his eight action steps for finding a dream job or business, - his coaching program. It's full of ideas for those looking for a midlife career change. - Dr. Frank Aug 18, 2010, “Quieting the Lizard Brain”
I’ve been reading Seth Godin’s latest book, Linchpin: Are You Indispensable? A linchpin is somebody in an organization who is indispensable, who cannot be replaced—her role is just far too unique and valuable. “The only people who have a hope of becoming linchpins in any organization, who have any hope of changing anything for the better in real terms, are those who have the capacity to do “emotional work” at a high level—to be true artists at whatever they set their minds on doing (Amazon review).”
This is a message many of us (I) need to hear because too many of us are doing “good work” and not “great work.” Tom Peters writes on the same theme in his “reinventing work” series of books...
“The work can be cool!
The work can be beautiful!
The work can be fun!
The work can make a difference!
Y-O-U can make a difference!
Be distinct...or extinct!”
What I appreciate about Linchpin is that Godin writes about a phenomenon that I’m very familiar with through my patterns of behaviour as well as the many coaching clients I’ve worked with - not “completing” what we’ve started and perhaps as Godin suggests, sabotaging what we set out to accomplish. With midlifers looking to create a life that matters, what he offers is very valuable.
Watch Seth speaking on this topic...
- Dr. Fred Aug 17, 2010, Compassion is directly associated with happiness
I’ve mentioned before in these posts that I practice a daily Buddhist meditation. Included is a practice referred to as loving-kindness that involves repeated phrases, images, and feelings to evoke loving-kindness and friendliness toward oneself and others. To the degree that we give ourselves space to be is the degree to which we give others the space to be. The more compassionate we are with ourselves, the more compassionate we are with others. Compassion and happiness are closely linked.
Here’s a brief outline of my practice that I adopted from the book, A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield.
1. Sit comfortably.
May I be filled with loving-kindness.
4. Picture yourself as a child or as you are now held in a heart of loving-kindness.
Notice how your relationship to yourself and others takes on a different quality coming more from a heart-felt space.
Compassion is worth cultivating for the sake of humanity and the world as this video demonstrates...
- Dr. Fred Aug 16, 2010, Reinventing yourself in retirement - latest midlife articleCheck out the latest article in our series of midlife articles with experts on important issues to midlifers and beyond. Brian Kurth, founder of VocationVacations.com, shares his thinking on: - reinventing yourself and what it means - as a way of looking at retirement differently and as an opportunity to follow your dreams. - what it takes to find or create your dream job. - the importance of thinking about your likes and dislikes, skills and talents, and personal and financial goals. - creating an action plan including different scenarios for moving ahead with a midlife or beyond career change. - Dr. Frank Permalink -- click for full blog post "Reinventing yourself in retirement - latest midlife article" Aug 15, 2010, What do I do with my sister: avoid or confront?The other day, a close lady friend of mine, Diane, shared with me the pain she's been having over a dispute with her older sister, Rita (the names have been changed). Their mother died last year and Rita was the trustee of the estate. Rita had full confidence in her older sister's handling of the estate. Even though Rita never shared any important documents or papers with her younger sister and always administered things without consulting anyone, Diane didn't mind. Diane's laissez-faire attitude, however, changed when it came to the distribution of some diamond and gold jewels. According to Diane, Rita clearly under estimated the value of the jewels and took a greater share for her family. Rita said this is the way it is done - case closed. Diane was very upset; she mentioned her dissatisfaction to her sister. But Rita said nothing could be done. Now Diane wonders whether she should avoid the problem entirely or confront Rita. Diane has always deferred to her older sister and hates confrontation. This kind of disagreement over money, jewels or property in the closing of an estate is not uncommon. The authors of the book, Difficult Conversations, say that "we attempt to avoid difficult conversations every day. No matter how confident we are. We all have conversations that cause anxiety and frustration." The authors state that any difficult conversation is really three conversations in one: 1. The "What happened?" conversation - this involves disagreement over what has happened or what should have been. "Who's right, who meant what, and who is to blame?" 2. The Feelings Conversation - Are my feelings valid or appropriate? Should I express them? What about the other person's feelings? 3. The identity Conversation - Am I a competent or incompetent person, a good person or bad person, worthy of love or unlovable? - all issues of self-esteem. How would you deal with the situation? Should Diane avoid the problem or confront her sister? More in my next blog post. - Dr. Frank Aug 14, 2010, The stranger that’s always present
Yesterday, I had an appointment with my dentist friend. His assistant was sharing that someone she knew told her husband, 66 years of age that he had 14 more years to live based on what’s predictable about longevity these days. My friend responded that using a finite period of time left to live like this is a good way to wake up and soak up the zest of life – make the best use of it. Life is a moment-to-moment affair. And death is one of those topics that we don’t speak about, yet it’s always present in the background. Because we’re not comfortable in dealing with it, we’re at the effect of it and live in fear. At midlife and beyond, the “voice whispering in our ears” about the amount of time we have left to live becomes louder.
“There is no place on earth where death cannot find us – even if we constantly twist our heads about in all directions as in a dubious and suspect land... If there were any way of sheltering from death’s blows – I am not the man to recoil from it... But it is madness to think you can succeed...
Men come and they go and they trot and they dance, and never a word about death. All well and good. Yet when death does come – to them, their wives, their children, their friends – catching them unawares and unprepared, then what storms of passion overwhelm them, what cries, what fury, what despair!...
To begin depriving death of its greatest advantage over us, let us adopt a way clean contrary to that common one; let us deprive death of its strangeness, let us frequent it, let us get used to it; let us have nothing more often in mind than death... We do not know where death awaits us: so let us await for it everywhere. To practice death is to practice freedom. A man who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave.”
- Montaigne - Dr. Fred
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